today i got a letter from the east lansing po po
i'm super psyched. you might ask, "why would you be super psyched if you just received a letter from the mother fuckin po-lice?" i'll tell you why. this is what the letter says:
Dear Sir:
(charge: disorderly [conduct] 10/09/04)
Please be advised that your arrest material is prepared for destruction. If you wish to witness this procedure, you may do so within thirty (30) days from the above date, otherwise, we will destroy the arrest card, mugshot and fingerprints. If the fingerprints were sent to the FBI, they will automatically destroy them and Michigan State Police will mail them directly to you within 120 days.
Sincerely,
For the Chief of Police
B_____ B_______
Police Records Assistant.
thanks BB. you're the best. i'm tempted to make a road trip up to State to watch pigs destroy my criminal history. if you don't know why i got arrested, i'm not going to tell you. i'm not sure if i already posted the story or not. but i probably will one day. i like to save good stuff from my mysterious past for rainy days.
i'm only going to be home for one weekend, so i think i'll call them to see if they'll mail me my arrest card, mugshot and fingerprints. i'd love to destroy the records myself.
in other news, someone recently accessed my blog from a google search. the query was "dormatory lesbians stories -pics -movies"
and here are a few random quotes slash short stories:
i don't know why i said this to Ill Will (my black friend), but i did... "fuck you, you black piece of shit."
me: hey guess what?
roomate: what?
me: i tried on kendra's bathing suit last night
roomate: GROSS!
me: why is that gross?
roomate: because it hasn't been washed and it was all on her vagina and stuff!
hehe.. a little background info: kendra left her bathing suit in popper's room (popper's last name is cherry.). popper brought it to our room because we live in the same dorm as kendra. so we have kendra's towel and one peice in our bathroom. i think it's a one peice... it's all balled up, and i don't want to touch it to find out if it is more than one piece. i'll point out a couple things about my convo with roomate.
number one: i'm almost positive he believes i tried on a girl's one peice bathing suit.
number two: he think's it would have been gross for me to try the chick bathing suit on because it touched her vagina.
number three: it did not occur to him that i could have tried on a garnment that only women wear. so, if i would have tried on one of kendra's thongs or panties he probably would have only thought it was gross because it touched her vagina and wasn't clean. if it was clean, then i'd be a whole 'nother story. on the other hand, if eric told me he tried on girl underwear i'd think he was a disturbed child who doesn't know which team to bat for.
and finally, last night i drank at krista's apartment. it twas an enjoyable night. i'll save the best part for last, so this shit will be out of sequence. we all got drunk and everyone had the munchies. some guy raided the freezer and found a large chunk of sassidge (sausage). well, they took it out and nuked it for what seemed like half an hour. they took it out of the nuker and put it in boiling water.
this is when a debate about marinating occured. some guy was like, pour beer in the pot. another guy was like no dude, you can't because it's already boiling. it went back and forth and it ended when someone poured a beer in it. i've never cooked sassidge, but i'm almost positive that it's not suppose to smell how it did. the whole apartment reaked of urine. thank christ i was sitting right next to the damn pot and got the stench full blast. it was aweful.
by the time they finished cooking it, the whole thing was white and grey. is that what sassidge is supposed to look like once you boil it? i have no fuckin clue, but they put honey bbq sauce on it and made it all better.
we were all watching tv. MTV to be exact. now i don't really watch TV and there is a good reason why. 90% of TV programming these days sucks grandpa scroti (The Jeffrey and i have debated what the plural version of "scrotum" is and i decided that it is scroti.). the show that happened to be on was called "i want a famous face" or some gay shit like that. i was making fun of the show for it's duration. the best was when they showed this girl who wanted to look like someone famous. i think it was JLo but really, it doesn't matter. i was saying how nasty she looked and that she was probably a he. i also guessed that the he-freak probably tucked his penis inbetween his legs. her voice was also quite manish. anyways, a girl there was familiar with the show and confirmed that each of my assumption were true. stellar.
everyone was laughing at me making fun of this aweful god forsaken creature until a guy on the couch watching said this:
"But dude, look at her tits!"
it became silent.
laughter ceased and it was one of those moments when everything shuts off. the TV was still on and so was the program but for me, and i assume everyone else, no noise was coming out of that black box. we all just let what that chap said sink in. i was the first to break the silence. i looked at him and said, "uh... that's a guy."
the place erupted in laughter. i soiled myself and the carpet beneath me. i don't remember the last time i laughed so hard. actually, it was probably sometime last week, but whatever stfu.
i win again.
Dear Sir:
(charge: disorderly [conduct] 10/09/04)
Please be advised that your arrest material is prepared for destruction. If you wish to witness this procedure, you may do so within thirty (30) days from the above date, otherwise, we will destroy the arrest card, mugshot and fingerprints. If the fingerprints were sent to the FBI, they will automatically destroy them and Michigan State Police will mail them directly to you within 120 days.
Sincerely,
For the Chief of Police
B_____ B_______
Police Records Assistant.
thanks BB. you're the best. i'm tempted to make a road trip up to State to watch pigs destroy my criminal history. if you don't know why i got arrested, i'm not going to tell you. i'm not sure if i already posted the story or not. but i probably will one day. i like to save good stuff from my mysterious past for rainy days.
i'm only going to be home for one weekend, so i think i'll call them to see if they'll mail me my arrest card, mugshot and fingerprints. i'd love to destroy the records myself.
in other news, someone recently accessed my blog from a google search. the query was "dormatory lesbians stories -pics -movies"
and here are a few random quotes slash short stories:
i don't know why i said this to Ill Will (my black friend), but i did... "fuck you, you black piece of shit."
me: hey guess what?
roomate: what?
me: i tried on kendra's bathing suit last night
roomate: GROSS!
me: why is that gross?
roomate: because it hasn't been washed and it was all on her vagina and stuff!
hehe.. a little background info: kendra left her bathing suit in popper's room (popper's last name is cherry.). popper brought it to our room because we live in the same dorm as kendra. so we have kendra's towel and one peice in our bathroom. i think it's a one peice... it's all balled up, and i don't want to touch it to find out if it is more than one piece. i'll point out a couple things about my convo with roomate.
number one: i'm almost positive he believes i tried on a girl's one peice bathing suit.
number two: he think's it would have been gross for me to try the chick bathing suit on because it touched her vagina.
number three: it did not occur to him that i could have tried on a garnment that only women wear. so, if i would have tried on one of kendra's thongs or panties he probably would have only thought it was gross because it touched her vagina and wasn't clean. if it was clean, then i'd be a whole 'nother story. on the other hand, if eric told me he tried on girl underwear i'd think he was a disturbed child who doesn't know which team to bat for.
and finally, last night i drank at krista's apartment. it twas an enjoyable night. i'll save the best part for last, so this shit will be out of sequence. we all got drunk and everyone had the munchies. some guy raided the freezer and found a large chunk of sassidge (sausage). well, they took it out and nuked it for what seemed like half an hour. they took it out of the nuker and put it in boiling water.
this is when a debate about marinating occured. some guy was like, pour beer in the pot. another guy was like no dude, you can't because it's already boiling. it went back and forth and it ended when someone poured a beer in it. i've never cooked sassidge, but i'm almost positive that it's not suppose to smell how it did. the whole apartment reaked of urine. thank christ i was sitting right next to the damn pot and got the stench full blast. it was aweful.
by the time they finished cooking it, the whole thing was white and grey. is that what sassidge is supposed to look like once you boil it? i have no fuckin clue, but they put honey bbq sauce on it and made it all better.
we were all watching tv. MTV to be exact. now i don't really watch TV and there is a good reason why. 90% of TV programming these days sucks grandpa scroti (The Jeffrey and i have debated what the plural version of "scrotum" is and i decided that it is scroti.). the show that happened to be on was called "i want a famous face" or some gay shit like that. i was making fun of the show for it's duration. the best was when they showed this girl who wanted to look like someone famous. i think it was JLo but really, it doesn't matter. i was saying how nasty she looked and that she was probably a he. i also guessed that the he-freak probably tucked his penis inbetween his legs. her voice was also quite manish. anyways, a girl there was familiar with the show and confirmed that each of my assumption were true. stellar.
everyone was laughing at me making fun of this aweful god forsaken creature until a guy on the couch watching said this:
"But dude, look at her tits!"
it became silent.
laughter ceased and it was one of those moments when everything shuts off. the TV was still on and so was the program but for me, and i assume everyone else, no noise was coming out of that black box. we all just let what that chap said sink in. i was the first to break the silence. i looked at him and said, "uh... that's a guy."
the place erupted in laughter. i soiled myself and the carpet beneath me. i don't remember the last time i laughed so hard. actually, it was probably sometime last week, but whatever stfu.
i win again.
posted by icon at 7:09 PM
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