not worth your time.

this post is worthless. hopeless. suckass--less... but with suckass. get it?

so i saw yet another mullet at tippecanoe's diahrrea scattered stores of retail. it was almost as enjoyable as my shopping experience. if you read these stupid posts, you're probably starting to think that i go to the mall a lot. i assure you i don't. many of my mall trips are written about in separate posts. why? because saving a tiny morsel of humor from the tip mall will result in a half assed post on a rainy day (or week in this case).

if you're lost right now, stick your head inside a toilet bowl, then have someone go number two (preferably a person in obese nature who has just consumed an all-you-can-eat buffet style dinner). after the poo-ing is complete, flush. don't bother plunging when you realize the shit won't flush, because your head is what's causing the clog. now that you've had a breather, stick your stupid face back into the bowl and flush again. repeat until there is no more poo in your hair.

ok. this, just like the mall mullet, happened several days back:

i started serving at bea one (the restaurant i work at. it's pronounced, Bayuh Ohnay. the word's "bay" and "uh" are said together as one word, and "oh" plus "nay" equal the second word.) i can't wait to you come in the restaurant and say it that way. it will make me laugh. then i will slap you because it will make me laugh even more.

ok yeah. i served two ladies. a girl about 20 and a woman about 41. the old ass woman had just gotten her boobs done. how did i know this? the ladies were at my restaurant for a special occasion. the lady was wearing a shirt that barely covered her nipples. it looked like a bare ass protruding from her chest.

i was amused.

this lady started eyeing me. she gave me the "oh my god you're so 'dreamy' slash i'm so innocent" look. you know, the look that little girls have when looking at brad pitt combined with the high school slut talking to the new kid like she's anything but. that is precisely the look she gave me everytime i stopped by their table. shit. i almost forgot... she bought a $125 bottle of champagne. she requested the most expensive thing we had. i think i found myself a shugga-momma.

i assure you the fun didn't end there. i hooked them up with a free sushi roll. fake boob mom was butter. the guys are probably thinking this is when he starts talking about banging the mom. sorry. i didn't give her grandkids in the bathroom. so back to the story.

when the ladies were leaving i struck up conversation with the broad. i asked her "So, when am i gonna get to see you next?" she replied, "you want to see me?" i said, "of course." at this point she was probably standing half a foot away from me with her hand grasping my left arm in a firm nature. i started my shpeel about the new bar that was being built. i don't remember details. all i remember is her fake boobs just inches away from my asian body. she was half creepy, half hilarious because she was flaunting her fake boobies when she was like 40 years old.

hope she comes back. hahaha.

side note: when i was walking to my apartment the other day i caught a strong wiff of my scent. a draft or something blew wind at me and i smelled a whole lot of me. let me be the first to tell you that i smelled fackin hot. hotter than the most hot person that has ever smelled hot. it was fackin amazing. i was like, "DIZZAMN! i smell like a sexy asian; like the sexiest asian ever."